Even If
by Shaud
Summary: Pacifica grew close to the Pines twins in the years after that first summer. Candy and Grenda, too. But when she finds out something about Candy, Mabel, and Grenda, she realizes she's found something more than just friendship with them. The thing is, can she be with them, even if she isn't attracted to them? (ace/aro!Pacifica and M/C/G/P shipping don't like don't read)


**A/N: Takes place some four-ish years in the future! So everyone is 16 give or take. Also this is just a simple thing I thought of while at school. Originally was going to be a reflection piece/drabble but you can probably see how well that worked out!**

* * *

If you had told Pacifica that the four kids she had made fun of when she was young would become her best friends, she would have laughed in your face. Mabel, Dipper, Candy, and Grenda? Losers. All of them.

Or so she had thought.

When her parents had gotten worse, though, it was Mabel and Dipper that helped her get away from them. Stanford and Stanley had opened their home to her, and that was something she would never forget.

When she went to public school the next year, it was Candy and Grenda that stayed by her side, even when her bratty attitude came back.

Even still, sometimes it was hard to remember that they were her friends. She was closest with Dipper, surprisingly. His intelligence and knack for adventure was something that she found charming, in a way. And he didn't judge her for anything. They became inseparable after that first summer (and several life-or-death experiences).

Mabel, on the other hand, was just a good friend in general. She didn't know how not to be a friend, something which made Pacifica happy and annoyed her at the same time. Mabel knew how to make her smile, knew when to listen, and knew just what to say. Even if she was a little blunt sometimes.

Candy and Grenda's friendship surprised her, though. They were (rightfully) suspicious of her at first.

Candy was envious of her life for a long time. She wanted Pacifica's money, her popularity, everything. After a particularly hard day, though, Pacifica spilled all the details that came with that life. The eating disorders, the abuse, the absolute fear of the sound of bells, how she was _broken, broken, broken._

Candy wasn't so envious after that. (They went out for ice-cream that night).

She was a good friend, though. Sometimes she would go off on tangents about some math or science thing, and Pacifica would smile and nod in all the right places. In return, she let Pacifica braid her hair whenever she wanted. It was the kind of agreement that was simple, but meant the world to both of them.

Grenda, however, had been a mystery.

She was friendly, but guarded. She would willingly talk to her, and joke with her, but it took months for them to click like the rest of them did.

It had been an argument that caused it, much like Candy and Pacifica's. Pacifica couldn't remember what started it, but by the end they ended up not talking for a week. It was only thanks to Candy's intervention that, finally, Grenda showed up at Pacifica's front door one day.

Pacifica was silent as she listened to Grenda, who spoke about being 'trans' and struggling with acceptance and body issues. In return, Pacifica told her about her childhood, and how things were before the Pines stepped in. Secretly, she realized she had similar feelings about her gender, but she didn't say anything about that.

What Grenda had been scared of was being turned away. Turns out Pacifica had feared the same thing.

It seemed strange to her, how those four people could be so different and yet they all care about her. And each other.

* * *

Actually, she found out one day just how close Mabel, Candy, and Grenda were. It had been an accident to stand in the doorway, but once she saw them, cuddled together with an occasional kiss, she found she couldn't stop herself from watching.

She wasn't supposed to be there, but she had thought her surprise presence would have been a good thing. Stan, Ford, and Dipper had all gone out somewhere, and her plans with Wendy had fallen through. She knew Candy and Grenda would have been over, but their presence at that moment seemed... Out of place, to say the least.

Mabel sat in the middle of the couch, with Candy to her left and Grenda to her right. Their tangled limbs and goofy grins revealed more to her than anything else, and she felt a stab of betrayal in her. She hadn't known. They hadn't told her.

"What the _hell?_ " She demanded before she could think.

The group jumped and quickly propelled away from each other, almost fast enough for Pacifica to feel sorry for them. Almost.

Mabel fell to the floor and looked up at Pacifica with guilt and fear in her eyes. Candy and Grenda looked similar. Mabel opened her mouth to speak.

Pacifica didn't wait for an answer. She left and stomped down the hall, their surprised cries behind her. She didn't _care_ , she didn't want to know their excuses. They lied, they kept secrets, and she didn't want to know. (That was just a cover up for the fact that she did want to know, but they wouldn't tell, of course.)

She locked herself in the twins' room and sat dismally on the floor. Her friends had lied to her, had betrayed her trust. They had kept secrets. It left a bitter taste in her mouth.

It took hours for her to calm down. She yelled, she screamed, she cried. Her friends did, too, as their guilt and exasperation ate away at them. Things were said that neither side meant at increasing volumes.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

 _"What would you have done if we did?"_

"You lied to me!"

 _"We were protecting ourselves from you!"_

They still didn't trust her. That _hurt_.

She wondered if she had been silly about it. Sure they lied, but why had it been such a big deal to her? She couldn't trust herself with her emotions, and she couldn't trust them... She pressed her back against the door as her friends murmured apologies on the other side. She could hear the pain in their voices, and it made her feel guilty and foolish.

"We wanted to tell you." Candy said softly.

"We were scared." Mabel pressed her hand against the door.

"Then... why..." She choked on the words as she realized what she wanted to say. She sobbed again, and brought a hand to her mouth. "Why not _me?_ "

There was silence for a long time. Pacifica could hear whispers and sniffles on the other side of the door, and even a distinct whine from Mabel.

She reflected on what she had said. Did she love them? She wasn't sure, but then, she wasn't sure about a lot of things. She wasn't sure she liked them like that, or if she had ever experienced attraction at all. She remembered once Dipper had commented on it, and had given it a name, but though she tried she couldn't think of it. All she could think was _broken, broken, broken._

She always wanted words that described her. No attraction. Everyone else had words, why not her?

But even with those feelings, seeing her friends like that had made her... _Jealous_. She worried that maybe it was just jealousy, and that she didn't care for them at all.

But she _did_ care. She wanted to be their friend, for sure! And given the opportunity... More. But could she, if she didn't feel attraction? She knew she wanted to date eventually, just because she liked some of the things that came with it, but how? Was that fair to them?

Her conflicting feelings bubbled inside of her until she began to sob again.

The apologies and assurances from the other side of the door were louder and more pleading. She couldn't bring herself to open the door, or to face them. Anger and hurt swelled in her, fed by her confusion. She didn't want to be mad, not at the only real friends she ever had, but she couldn't let it go either.

She heard a key in the lock and moved away from the door, but she didn't get up. She instead rested her arms on her knees and buried her head in them. She didn't react when the others crowded around her. Mabel tried to pull her arms up, but she held firm.

"We won't keep secrets, Paz."

"We're sorry!"

There was a moment of silence save for various sniffles. Grenda broke it, though.

"We love you, Paz."

That scared her more than anything.

* * *

It was much later that night when everyone had calmed down enough to talk. Dipper, who was out of the loop, took the couch downstairs with only minor sulking.

The girls scattered around the attic room, none too close to each other. Mabel sat at the head of her bed, Grenda sat at the head of Dipper's, Candy sat on a chest by the closet, and Pacifica sat in front of the closed door. She leaned back against it and stared up at the ceiling as the other girls glanced nervously at each other.

"How long?" Pacifica's dull tone sent chills up her friends' spines.

The silence was a harsh answer, and Pacifica realized it had to have been a long time.

Grenda's soft, "Since last summer." confirmed that.

Pacifica stared at Grenda for a moment.

"A year?" Her heart thudded in her chest and her vision swam.

"Well, we weren't _sure_ last summer." Mabel said gently, "It was, like, the last week of summer."

Pacifica remembered that week. That was the week they had gone exploring in some of the caves in the forest and gotten lost. It took them two days to find their way out again. Pacifica had thought they had all bonded, but maybe she thought wrong.

Candy saw the look on her face and cringed. "We didn't mean to leave you out. We just... We all noticed something was different. When you didn't say anything we thought..."

 _Different?_ No, she hadn't noticed anything different. She had noticed some times when Mabel held her hand, or Candy laughed a bit too loud at something she said, or Grenda stared at her for just a little too long. Had that been what changed?

"We thought you liked us, too." Mabel looked at the ceiling wistfully, "But you never said anything. Even when we tried to get you to."

"Tried?" Pacifica's voice broke, and the other girls shared a look.

"Well... Yeah. We asked if you liked anyone and stuff like that."

"But-" Pacifica looked and felt completely lost. She furrowed her brows together and frowned. "But you always did that. That wasn't anything new."

"We didn't know what else to do." Mabel frowned, "You didn't seem to be interested in any of us. So we thought you weren't."

Pacifica realized she had probably hurt them, too. Her rejection-though accidental-had led to them doubting her. It was a mess.

There was an unspoken question, though. So _was_ she interested? Now she wasn't so sure.

Her feelings from earlier came back, and she remembered how much she had wanted to be included. But at the same time, romance just didn't appeal to her. Without knowing for sure, though, she couldn't find the words to say.

 _Broken, broken, broken._

Candy interrupted her thoughts with a small chuckle. "Actually, we thought you liked Dipper."

Pacifica turned to Candy and crinkled her nose at the thought. She definitely did not like-

A thought occurred to her, though, and she quickly stood up. She ran out the door and ignored the calls behind her as she raced downstairs to find the other Pines twin. He would know what to do.

When she found him huddled on the couch in the dark, she quickly jumped onto the furniture and sat beside answered with a sharp yelp, but she cut him off.

"I need your help."

The words shocked him, but he nodded. "Anything."

"The-there were these words that you used, when-to describe me. About me not liking anyone. What were they?"

His shocked face was from more than her ask for help. He hadn't expected her to actually use those words, and had only said them as an after thought. He did, however, understand her want for them, though the urgency was confusing.

"Asexual and aromantic. Not experiencing sexual or romantic attraction."

"But what if I still want a relationship? Is that possible?" Her pleading, sad eyes pulled at his heart as he wondered what had caused his best friend so much grief.

"Let's Google it." He said with a soft smile. He pulled out his phone as she moved closer to him to read it.

"That one." She pointed to one of the first terms that came up, and he read it out loud.

"Cupioromantic or cupiosexual; not feeling any romantic or sexual attraction, but still wanting a romantic or sexual relationship. Does that soun-" He felt Pacifica move away from him, and looked over at her. The look of relief on her face was something he could relate to, and he placed a hand on her shoulder.

"I-" She rubbed at her face and he pulled her closer. "I'm not..."

"Broken?" He offered, and she nodded weakly. "I know what you mean. I used to think that I was broken, too, back when everyone thought I was a girl."

Pacifica looked up at him. That had been something else she had wanted to talk to him about, but she never wanted to pry. "How did you tell everyone you weren't?"

"Well, I had this plan-" He ignored her snicker, "-but Mabel stepped in and just called me her brother one day." He smiled at the memory." She had found the list and thought I had over complicated things."

"You probably did."

"Oh, I did." He nodded, "But that's what Mabel's for."

"And Googling obscure sexualities is what you're for." She smiled into his shoulder.

"Hehe, that's me!" He smiled down at her. "So... What's this all about?"

"Hn? Oh, yeah! I have to go back upstairs. I'll fill you in later."

"Okay." She had gotten to the doorway when he asked, "Do you want me to come with you?"

She hesitated for a moment, grateful for the offer. "No... I think I can do this. Thank you, Dipper."

"Anytime, Paz."

* * *

Even with the new words, Pacifica hesitated outside the doorway. She could hear whispered voices inside, and wanted nothing more than that day to have been a bad dream.

But she knew, sooner or later, she would have to talk to them again. She contemplated getting Dipper, but shook her head. She could do it.

She had barely opened the door a few inches before she had been pulled into the room by the other girls, who tackle-hugged her to the ground.

She yelped as she found herself tangled up in them, and demanded to know what was going on.

"We talked it over-" Mabel giggled.

"And we wanted to know, for sure, officially-" Grenda added.

"If you wanted to be with us." Candy finished.

Pacifica froze at the offer. Just what had they talked about while she had been gone?

"I-" The words disappeared from her mind, and once again _broken_ plagued her thoughts. The other girls sensed this, and pulled back slightly.

"What's wrong? I thought that's what you wanted?" Mabel bit her lip, "Did we mess it up again?"

"N-no!" Pacifica assured them, "I... just... There's something you should know about me."

"Whatever it is, it's okay." Grenda assured her. The other two nodded.

"Yeah, Paz, you can tell us. And we'll tell you everything from here on out." Mabel promised.

Pacifica took a breath. "I do want to be with you guys-" She blushed at their enthusiastic grins, "- _but._ I'm..." _Broken, broken, broken. No._ She shook those thoughts from her head. She had new words now. Correct words. "I'm aromantic."

Within a few minutes, she had brought them up to speed on all she new about her orientations, and they listened patiently. By the end she looked down at the carpet and wouldn't look at them, but she felt them all move close to her in another hug.

"Is... is that okay?" She found herself asking as she bit her lip. Tears threatened to fall from her eyes again as she prepared herself for whatever that answer may be.

"Of course." Candy's answer made her relax a bit.

"You might have to help me, and explain things to me." Mabel admitted, "But it's okay."

Grenda hugged her tight. "Our offer still stands."

Pacifica did end up crying, but it was out of relief and happiness that time. And the others joined her.

* * *

Soon she found herself in the midst of a cuddle pile, and her doubts and mistrust had eased away.

She wasn't perfect, for sure, but she thought her girlfriends (term subject to change, as she didn't always feel okay saying it) were pretty close to it.

She pulled Candy further into her lap and leaned back into Mabel's arms. Grenda's excited voice droned on in the background, but she was busy fighting her sleepy eyes. They could all just barely fit on Mabel's bed, but Pacifica found the closeness to be welcoming. She knew eventually they would all have to move, lest anyone else come in, but for the time being she was happy, content even.

As she drifted off to sleep there were many things on her mind, and words like love, aromantic, and cupid flew through her head. Broken, however, was far from her thoughts.


End file.
